Hello to all three of my followers, how are you doing?  It's even possible that I am one of my own followers, but there are at least two of you out there!  Anyway, you might have noticed that this blog has not been updated in a very long time.  I have decided that I have neither the patience nor the dedication to do a chapter-by-chapter reading of A Song of Ice and Fire, particularly because the chapters are dreadfully short and because spoilers for this series are everywhere.  Everywhere.  It is a hot current topic and I really want in before the internet ruins everything.  For example, I have just accidentally found out that [highlight for spoiler: someone has to perform autocannibalism, or something similar]. 

However, I will be doing AT MINIMUM a review of each book at the end.  If something particularly shocking or noteworthy happens along the way, I will try to post about it.  I may also just do infrequent update posts to say how I feel about the characters at certain points in the story. 

I think I may try this type of project again, but with something that is less being less urgently discussed and spoiled on the internet.  I have in mind a particular nerd classic that I have often heard of but know little about (other than the first 20 or so pages that I read): Dune. 

Julia Reads A Game of Thrones - Chapter 6: Catelyn

There are a few words I really hate.  Like "yogurt".  Especially when it's spelled "yoghurt" and it's pronounced in a British way with the "h" oddly emphasized.  But the worst offender, and possibly a very small part of the reason this review took a month and a half from initial reading to writing, is the word "loins".  Does anyone like that word?  Not only does it refer to a region of the body that society tends to feel uncomfortable about, it also just sounds inherently awkward.  Loins.  The fact that this chapter used this word so early on is pretty much the only thing I remembered about it after reading it so long ago. 

I should have gone to sleep an hour ago, so I'm going to bust out the rest of this review as fast as possible.  I want to read more, but this chapter will keep blocking me unless I take care of it now.

1. I would NOT want to live in a building that has steaming hot water rushing through the walls constantly without the containment of modern plumbing.  Hello, erosion?  Earthquakes?  Well, at least the Starks will probably get killed in some political entanglements before their poor architecture choices can scald them to death.  
2. Hello, Maester Luwin!  Where is my little old man who hides books and children's toys up his giant sleeves?
3. I would not want to be royalty in this world where dead animals are legitimate portents and every message has three layers and a secret compartment.  
4. I like how Catelyn is all, "Well of course I'm naked.  This message is far more important than clothing and it's not like Maester Luwin is seeing anything he hasn't already."  Respect: +2
5. Murder!  Too bad I really don't remember much about this Jon Arryn bloke right now, other than that he's been dead since the beginning.  I should probably go back and look that up.
6. Catelyn hates Jon Snow.  I mean, I get it, but if she was cool with Lord Stark going out and knocking up women while on campaign because he has a "man's needs"...  It's hard to judge this one because this is so clearly a different world and the rules that royalty live by are very tricky (particularly inheritance).   It's sad, though, because I like Jon Snow, and I would have thought that maybe after so many years Catelyn would have forgiven him a birth that he couldn't help.  Respect: -4
7. At least Jon gets to go into the Night's Watch as he wants, even if I do think that he might just be going through his teenage emo phase.

Also, this is the first chapter to repeat a perspective.  I was really starting to hope that George R.R. Martin would find a way to use a different character each time.

Julia Reads A Game of Thrones: Chapter 5 - Jon

Yay!  A chapter from the point of view of my favorite character so far!  But before I address this chapter, I need to discuss something I omitted from last chapter's review.  In chapter 4, it was made clear that women are not the only gender that gets treated like objects.  Yes, in this world, it's equal-opportunity child bartering.  Arranged marriages (like that the King makes between his son and Ned's daughter) remove choice from both parties involved, regardless of gender, and I really can't hate Theon for being kind of a butt anymore because his "ward" status actually means he was taken hostage by Lord Stark after Threon's father got a royal smackdown by King Robert and Lord Stark.  I'd be bitter too.  also being a ward means that you should be a martial-arts dominating sidekick to a flying-mammalian-themed superhero  So yes!  The lives of boys suck too.  What a happy universe this is.

Anyways, moving on to this chapter, it's JON time!  For some reason, I always picture Jon as being at least four or five years older than fourteen.  It's rather jarring, really, given how I remember behaving as a fourteen year old, but as Jon notes, bastards have to grow up faster, particularly in a backstabby political-machination-filled world like this one.    And while I could spend a lot of time discussing how sketchy the queen is, and how weird it is to be a royal bastard, and how the first time that I could really believe Jon was a teenage boy was when he was insisting that he knew EXACTLY what he wanted in this life, thank you very much, and it was to GET OUT OF HERE AND FIGHT, there's only one thing that really stuck out in my mind about this chapter:

IS THIS THE AWESOME DWARF?  The queen's brother?  IS THIS HIM?  When he was first introduced, I was unsure, because he was being described as looking like some kind of gargoyle or some such.  This didn't match with the image I'd seen from the TV show, but I guess that's Hollywood.  And there can only be so many dwarves in this story right?  Unless there is like a whole clan of awesome dwarves somewhere, which would be amazing. But this Tyrion Lannister proved himself to be almost certainly the dwarf in question when he says, "Oh, bleed that," executes a perfect backwards somersault off a ledge (a perfect backwards somersault off a ledge), sticks the landing, brushes himself off, describes Jon as a bastard to his face (stating it as fact, not an insult... I think), spouts off some obtuse wisdom, and then whistles as he walks away.  I'm on board with this guy.  I don't even care if he's "good" or "bad", he's just cool.

P. S.  "Dwarves" or "dwarfs"?  Apparently both can be correct, but which do you use?

Julia Reads A Game of Thrones: Chapter 4 - Eddard

Full disclosure: I read this chapter sometime last week and kept forgetting to blog about it, so this may be kind of  a rush job because I really want to keep reading this already.

So let's just bullet point this thing, shall we?

• First note here: I'll be really interested to see if every single chapter in this book takes the viewpoint of a different character.  The naming scheme for these chapters so far seems to indicate it, and the huge cast of characters I've seen in just these first fifty pages seems like it could support it, but these chapters are so short!  
• I just cottoned on to why this series might be called A Game of Thrones.  Why didn't I realize it earlier when I just spent part of the last review complementing the way this multiple-claims-to-the-throne storyline is being handled?  
• Totally called that the king was going to ask Lord Stark to do something he didn't really want to do.  *psychic*
• Loveless royal marriage?  Poor king who lost his young love.  Poor queen who has to fill her shoes. (There has been no definitive proof presented that she is evil and manipulative yet, only hints, so I will give her the benefit of the doubt for now)
• Of course Catelyn just gets passed from dead brother to younger brother.  I really, really hope that it was because Eddard cared for her and not just her being tossed around as the basis for a peace treaty between two noble houses or something.
• The king says this: "Jon had no brothers, no other sons.  Was I supposed to leave [his son] to be raised by women?"  Hold up, buddy.  This is a society where women pretty clearly have little say over what happens to them.  In societies like this, aren't women usually in charge of raising children?  Do you think they are totally incompetent?  What are they trusted/allowed to do, if not even the most stereotypical of women's "duties"?  (To reiterate from my last post, this is not an an attack on the author or the story, but the character.)
• The "Mad King Aerys Targaryen".  I like that this chapter starts to reveal the Stark/current royal perspective on the usurpation story.  I don't think I've mentioned this before, but one major reason that I love Battlestar Galactica is that there is no character that you can love or hate without reservation - different actions and different perspectives paint them in very complex lights.  The hints in this book towards this same kind of complexity is the primary reason why I am really excited for this story.

Julia Reads A Game of Thrones: Chapter 3 - Daenerys

Well.  This changes things.

I'm not gonna lie, this chapter shook me up a bit.  I'm finally invested in this story, and it's not just because my feuding kingdoms theory was proven correct (well, feuding rulers/usurpers, but close enough).  Everything about this chapter is wrong.  Not the writing or the storytelling, no, this is shaping up to be quite an interesting book indeed, but rather the treatment of this poor girl.  Let me back up for a bit.

Right now, the biggest "crisis" in my life is how good of a graduate school I can get into and which one is best for me.  Am I really meant to go into genetics, or am I suddenly going to find out that science is wrong for me?  Can I eventually become a leader in the field of genetic research and simultaneously become a new generation Bill Nye the Science Guy?  Wouldn't Columbia be a great school because I could both study science and hang out around the stand-up comedy scene in New York City?  These are the dilemmas that stress me out, guys.  These are the problems of a person who is well-fed, in good health, has had great educational opportunities, and most importantly, has always been able to choose her own path in life.  The key word I want to focus in on here is "her", because what this chapter made me realize was exactly how lucky I am to be a woman at this time, in this country.  Gentleman readers of my blog (and from what I can tell, most of you are packing a Y chromosome), please don't wander off at this point, because this is important, and I promise to keep preachiness to a minimum. 

Until recently, I'd never really put much thought into what being a woman means in my life.  The glass ceiling always seemed a long way off, no one ever tried to talk me out of becoming a scientist because I was a girl, and I've generally been lucky enough to not be treated any differently because of my gender.  The truth is that I more often think about my left-handedness as my primary (for lack of a better phrase) "minority status" marker because it more obviously differentiates me in how I relate in the world.  This chapter throws into sharp relief exactly how remarkable it is that I can even think this way. 

Daenerys, the focus of this chapter, is a princess only in name who is used by her brother as a pawn to regain royal power.  At thirteen years old, she is dressed up and perfumed in places that should just not ever be perfumed and paraded around like a fancy painting.  All this so that her hand in marriage can be traded away to a cruel-looking man so that her brother can use his armies to retake his kingdom.  I think the only way I can encapsulate how horrific this all is is to quote what her own brother says to her:

"With Khal Drogo's army, that is how we go home.  And if you must wed him and bed him for that, you will."  He smiled at her.  "I'd let his whole khalasar fuck you if need be, sweet sister, all forty thousand men, and their horses too if that was what it took to get my army.  Be grateful it is only Drogo."

Frak you, sir.  I don't care if you should rightfully be king, no one gets to treat anyone, let alone a thirteen-year-old girl, as a sexual bartering chip and then tell her to be grateful because you didn't subject her to worse.
What saddens me most is that, from what I understand, there were and are many places in the world where women were treated like this in reality.  I am just so grateful right now that I am actually incapable of imagining what it would be like in this situation.  Let's keep it that way, yes?

P.S. It broke my heart a bit when Dany's brother told her to smile and stand up straight in order to sell herself to a man she fears and she did it without hesitation.  What kind of awful brother is he that he could train her like that?

Other thoughts:

• Generations of sibling marriage?  THE ROYAL FAMILY MAKES THE GENETICIST IN ME WEEP.  No wonder Dany's brother seems a bit off.  If you had that many rare recessive genes add up, you'd be a bit cranky too.  Not that this excuses his behavior.
• Usurper king storyline!  Did not see that coming!  I like how this early on in the book we're given an alternate perspective on the family who are initially introduced as apparent protagonists. 
• This Magister Illyrio is clearly a pretty slippery guy, and I don't like him, but I do respect two things about him:
• First, he is really good at handling tricky questions and situations like a politician
• Second, he seems to be plotting against Viserys somehow.  I approve.
• As of right now, Jon Snow and Dany are my favorite characters.  I predict that they will have a romance, because why not?  Actually, I more hope than predict, but close enough.
• Slaves in a "free city"?  There is a storyline here.

I've officially reached a point where I'm writing these reviews so that I can keep reading this book and not the other way around.  Success!

Julia Reads A Game of Thrones: Chapter 2 - Catelyn

Wow, my friend Chillin' McVillain (who made her first appearance within the first ten posts of my old blog) was right - these chapters are really short.  This one clocks in at about five full pages.  This project could take a while.  This chapter review, however, will probably be rather short.  Let's do this one in bullet points.

• I like how Catelyn's family god(s) seem to be rainbow based.  Is there a real-life religion that focuses on rainbows?  (Note: making a joke about Pride is too far too predicable to be worthy of your comments)
• It took me waaaaaaaaaaay too long to put together Ned = Lord Eddard Stark.  Look, it's confusing to me.  I have a friend named Ned who is four days younger than me and who I have known practically, if not literally, since the day he was born.  Somehow I don't easily associate this name with a nobleman who  beheaded a deserter just one chapter ago.
• Are these First Men just what they sound like?  If so, why does it sound like their blood only runs in the veins of the Starks and no one else?  Is this just a dilution issue?  Was there a lot of interbreeding with Wildings a long time ago?  Is this a world where it's just accepted that different groups of people have different gods?  Who are the children of the forest?  Is the weirwood sentient? 
• Ned Stark is disappointed that his three year old son is afraid of a wolf.  How harsh is this world?
• "Winter is coming."  A family of optimists, I see.
• "The Others are as dead as the children of the forest, gone eight thousand years."
• AHAHAHAHAHAHA wrong.
• (They are the ice people, right?  Don't answer that.)
• This almost certainly means that the children of the forest are here too.
• What happened eight thousand years ago?  Was this when Dust began falling?
• I see why drawing this family tree would be something of a nightmare.  Honorary father = brother in law is a bit tricky to put together on a relationship diagram.
• Okay, there's only two ways this royal visit goes down.  Both of these are based off of years of reading TVTropes and the fact that the book pointedly notes that Neddy Stark hasn't seen his best friend the king in years:
1. King betrays Lord Neddard somehow or asks him to do something morally unsound.
2. The Queen, who is clearly being set up as some kind of power-mad shrew, forces the King to betray Lord Neddard somehow or ask him to do something morally unsound.

That's about it for now.  Hopefully the next chapter actually lasts me all the way through lunch.  

P.S. There was a discussion a few posts back about whether or not it is okay to say things like "Oh, you'll find this post rather interesting when you look back at it."  I have decided that this kind of comment is fine.  I don't want you to feel like you can't say anything.  I know how frustrating that is, believe me.  Just think before you post, and we'll all be fine.  I trust your judgment.  :)

Julia Reads A Game of Thrones: Chapter 1 - Bran

I’m going to try to keep this relatively short, as you all have lives and I have to get to bed, but I realized as I was reading the first page of this chapter earlier that I needed to write this up as I was reading it.  Let’s see how many things I can guess incorrectly!

The chapter opens with a seven-year-old kid named Bran who is finally old enough to go with the males of his noble family to a hanging.  YAY family fun!  This is also the first time that the story addresses the back-cover topic of exceptionally long summers and winters, as it is noted that this summer, which is just starting to end, has been going on longer than Bran has been alive.  At least people don’t have to change their wardrobes more than once a decade.

This is all very well and good, and I was reading along quite peacefully until the narrative mentions that this wilding prisoner is missing both ears and a finger.  This has to be Gared, right?

MID-CHAPTER WILD PREDICTION PARTY THAT STARTED IN MY HEAD

• ·        This Wall thing is a separation between two warring countries and the seasons are separated by the wall so that one side is winter and one side is summer

• ·        Maybe the weird ice zombies on the current winter side are manifestations of the summer people when they cross the wall?

• ·        Or maybe they just arrested Gared by mistake.  LOOK, I DON’T KNOW.

I expect most or all of these things to be disproved in the next few pages.

***

Lord Stark of Winterfell?  That’s not an imposing name at all.  These people must take their seasons pretty seriously.

And they called the sword Ice.  Yup.  Also, it’s spell-forged?  People do magic in this universe? Yessss.

***

I feel like I need to just keep a running tally of the seasonal-themed things I find in this book.

§ Lord Stark of Winterfell

§ “Ice” the sword

§ Summerwine

This is from only a two page span.  I’ma gonna have a long list.

***

Oh, so they executed probably-Gared for being a deserter, not for being a man from the other side.  Well there goes all my fun theories.  This is why I shouldn’t read things after watching large quantities of intense Doctor Who.

I predict that Theon, a nineteen-year-old who laughs while kicking severed heads, is going to be a bit of a problem later on.  Just a thought.

***

Bet you five bucks* that the Lost creators have read this book and named “The Others” after these Others.

*money to be paid only if you get one of the creators to personally tell me this 

***

The First Men?  Origin myth please!

***

At first I thought that Robb had found a baby all Moses-like.  Then I find out that it was actually a maggoty wolf.  Thanks for that imagery right before I go to sleep, Mr. R.R. Martin.

Oh there’s a baby direwolf.  I can’t tell if I’m happier that it’s cute or terrified that it’s going to grow up and kill someone.

Puppies!  Plural puppies!  Wolf puppies filled with finite potential for cuteness and infinite potential for deadliness!  I predict that all the sons and wards named so far will take one and raise one, and all will be used in battle.  I also predict that the only one that will hurt someone I like/go crazy and hurt someone on the same side will be the one raised by Theon.  But for now, I’m not going to worry about that because who’s a cute little puppy.  You are!

***

Dear George R.R. Martin,

Please stop writing about puppies and then immediately transitioning to tearing bloody antlers out of wolves’ heads, followed by discussing said puppies being born from a maggoty corpse.  This sudden transition to violent imagery does not sit well with me.  

Your friend,

Vito Corleone

***

Jon Snow admitted that he wasn’t truly part of the family (even though it wasn’t his fault) just so that his half-siblings could get puppies.  I like this guy.  He’s my new favorite character.  I’m going to regret writing this, aren’t I?

Unfortunately, this means that Theon the ward gets no puppy and my earlier prediction is partially wrong.  :(

***

Oh wait!  I forgot Jon’s surname:

§ Snow

Speaking of Jon, he gets a puppy!  And speaking of his last name, it’s white (albino) whereas all the others are gray!  Symbolism, I see you.  Also, he “opened his eyes while the others were still blind.”  Does this imply that Jon is going to be an exceptionally insightful character?

***

Well, that’s it for now.  Sorry for the choppiness of it – if you prefer the old format, please tell me, but I am probably going to be experimenting for the first few chapters. 

P.S. I have begun building my own family tree for this book, but I am too tired to deal with Photobucket right now.